So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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