What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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