The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
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As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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