Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
