May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
