DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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