Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
