I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
