now i know why i became what i already was.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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