please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
