She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
