My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
