I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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