The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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