I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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