Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
