I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
