apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
