Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
