i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
