a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
