remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
