no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
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I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
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He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation