I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
