I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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