Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
