I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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