It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
