Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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