He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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