You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
