i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
