How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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