my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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