Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
