remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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