the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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