Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
