I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
