He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize