My sheets look like a crime scene.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
