I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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