shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
