I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
