Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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