we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
