dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
