my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
