you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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