I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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