How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
