got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
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I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
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I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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