I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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