did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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