i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
